Here you go again 🙂
I’ve cottoned on to you long ago but you still get me every once in a while! Last night I had another attack of “What am I doing with my life?”, coupled with another classic, “tomorrow I’m going to feel lonely working on my own”. A real late night anxiety-depression mix, and the funny thing is that now it’s tomorrow and I’m working on my own in a library and doing something and I’m very happy. But still, those two thoughts got me again last night. Two old classics! Two that can floor me. In September they drove me round the bend for nearly a week!
And I know that the cure doesn’t lie in listening to them, and trying to cure them by finding people to be with all day so I don’t feel lonely, or finding a really important career or purpose, or plan – that would work for a while but sooner or later the old thoughts would appear again.
Since when have these thoughts bothered me? Since I was probably about 12 I’ve been troubled on and off by this ‘what to do with my life?’ anxiety. (Meanwhile doing plenty with my life! The irony of it!) Perhaps it’s because society, school careers days, parents, but in the end, me, wanted to pin a label on me that says ‘lawyer’, ‘doctor’, ‘architect’ etc. I still try to pin labels on myself now, like ‘writer’, or try out new fun ones, like ‘musician’, both of which are perfectly great, but do I need the label? It seems labels make me uncomfortable!
Whatever the reasons behind it all, when my son is about to start the school term again I always get an attack of this. And it passes. Thank God. How does it pass? Slowly and painfully if I let the thoughts go unchecked and consume me until they just run out of energy of their own accord.
Rapidly if I recognise such a thought as an old friend back again, smile to it, and see it as what it is, a ghost of a thought, come to haunt me for a bit. It’s got staying power that’s for sure, returning and returning after all these years, “what are you doing with you life?”, but I have the secret: a loving, embracing recognition. “Hello my old friend, here you are again!” I greet such thoughts (this and many other troublesome thoughts) just like that, smile to them, and remember, it’s just a thought. I only suffer in as much as I believe it, and reality always seems to play out differently, as my happy morning here in the library shows.
So last night felt like an enormous cause for celebration for mindfulness and all these years of befriending my ghosts – it works! The anxiety lasted all of 20 minutes until I realised what was going on and smiled to it. Perhaps I can even look forward to the next time these thoughts show up so I can greet them again, and again, until they hardly think it worthwhile to show up at all.
And meanwhile I can get back to what really matters. Not what am I doing with my life, but, Can I be happy in the present moment? Am I loving my family? And then get on with what interests and inspires me again, whether it’s got a label or not!
So, thank goodness, attack over, and a reason to recognise and love my playful mind, my dear friend, more than ever again.