Notes from Ben

 

There is a contagious disease in Spain (though I think it’s fairly global these days), which the Spanish have given the wonderful name of ‘titulitis’ – in English it would be title-itis I suppose, and it goes like this:

You get a degree (a typical titulo), then you realise you need a Masters degree in something, because everyone else has got a degree too, and then you feel an urge to do some important and well-recognised language exam, because everyone else is getting one… and so it goes on, the accumulation of ‘titulos’.

Examination boards flourish, our inner striver feels wonderfully nourished, and we keep taking exams and putting ourselves through hellishly exhausting courses, when we are often only interested in a tiny percentage of their actual content.

I have a degree, and a good qualification in a well-recognised Spanish language exam system, so I have not been immune to this affliction, but I have found a cure.

I call it “My own Private Masters Degree in Whatever I Feel Like!”

A few years ago I wanted to learn more about setting up, running, and making a success of an online business. We were doing OK with Notes in Spanish, and had the creativity side of things sorted out, but no idea about how to grow this into something that would really pay my wife and my wages, securely, for some time to come.

So I set about looking for a program that would teach me what I wanted to learn, and found there were exactly none.

I knew just want I needed – some self-confidence boosting, a pinch of ‘personal development’, lots of entrepreneurial skills, a great deal of (internet) marketing know-how… so I set about designing my own Do-It-Yourself masters degree in, well, all that stuff.

After spending a lot of time researching online, reading blogs, forums, and talking to friends that had some know-how in any of these areas, I came up with a list of books to read or listen to, and small-scale self-taught courses to work on. Soon I was happily studying and, crucially, putting into practice, my own fully-tailored, totally interesting, 100% useful, private masters degree.

And the results were amazing… our company grew, I grew, and I was really happy doing things my way instead of worrying about whether I ought to do an MBA or something equally exhausting instead.

Nowadays I’ve got two long-term, hands-on private masters degrees on the go: one on happiness, the other on parenting. I’m much more relaxed about these. I read a book or two about happiness, follow a blog for a while, listen to a talk by a Zen master, occasionally go on a retreat, go to talks about being a better dad at my son’s school… and again take care to put it all into practice.

There’s no title at the end of these courses, no certificates, no governing bodies or exam boards – just the happiness of knowing I’m learning exactly what I need, just when I want to.

If you think an MBA will make you happy or help you follow your dreams, go for it, but if you worry you’ve just got a classic case of titulitis, there is a cure: have fun learning exactly what motivates you, on your own terms, and in your own time.

There’s no university course or masters degree on the planet as good as the one you invent for yourself.

 

Last night I was at an art class, diligently painting away at a field of flowers, when suddenly I lost my way and had no idea how the picture was going to turn out. The background was too strong, the flowers a bit generic, and why on earth was I painting flowers anyway?

Catching myself on the verge of a moment of artistic despondency, I made a decision: Smile, keep painting, keep smiling, keep painting, see what happens!

Half an hour later the background was under control, the flowers looked great, and I was really happy with the picture. Wow, I thought, life is probably as simple as that too! Keep smiling, keep going, keep smiling, see how it turns out!

Apart from smiling, there are all sorts of other artists’ tools at our disposal. Kindness, calm, generosity, patience, peace, just Being… all playing their part in creating a real work of art of our life, every day that we are alive.

“I know artists whose medium is Life itself, and who express the inexpressible without brush, pencil, chisel, or guitar. They neither paint nor dance. Their medium is Being. Whatever their hand touches has increased Life. They SEE and don’t have to draw. They are the artists of being alive.” Frederick Franck, The Zen of Seeing. Seeing/Drawing as Meditation

“If we just act in each moment with composure and mindfulness, each minute of our life is a work of art. Even when we are not painting of writing, we are still creating. We are pregnant with beauty, joy, and peace, and we are making life more beautiful for many people.” Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace is Every Step

 

The grass in northern Spain just is greener than it is around here in Madrid, and coming as I do from the UK, it seems to make some deep part of me happy. Ever since I discovered the Northern Province of Asturias, with its many mountain ranges, cloudy forests, wild-flower-filled pastures and breath-taking coastline, I’ve wanted to live there.

For long periods over the last few years, it has been a persistent nagging dream of mine to spend at the very least a year up there amongst all that greenness, and with the persistent nagging dream, comes the persistent, nagging side of my character that thinks I can only be happy if I get to fulfil this dream.

That’s all very well, but I also have a wife and a child, and my wife is perfectly happy with her life in Madrid. She’s on an important path here, our son is settled in school… it’s only me that has been clinging to this dream, and occasionally making life very difficult for them as a result. That’s the trouble with dreams…

Things came to a head on a holiday there recently. Finding that the landscape seemed to connect with something so deep within me, almost like it was part of my DNA, the dream was sparked off again with a vengeance!

“Just a year… think about it…. we could have a veg patch… all this fresh air would be so good for us… I’ve been in your city for so long, isn’t it my turn?” That last remark hit well below the belt, and all this did not lead to a harmonious holiday.

It took me a while to realise that by trying to drag the rest of my family in on my dream, I was seriously undermining all their stability. My son loves his school. My wife has friends, family, work, courses, and aspirations here in Madrid, and I was trying to pull all that out from under their feet.

Realising that this was the case lead to a second insight: I also have friends, family, work, courses, and aspirations here in Madrid!

And moving to Asturias was also going to pull the rug out from under my feet! Plus I love my son’s school just as much as he does!

Slowly I’ve come round to seeing how this dream was causing all of us, but particularly me, more harm than good. How can I be happy when I am dreaming of being somewhere else? Haven’t I got enough where I already am, without always having to look over the horizon at what might be better?

So I think I’ve laid my Asturias dream to rest for now. We’ll keep going on holiday up there, and who knows, maybe we’ll suddenly find ourselves living there in another stage of life in the future. For now, I’ve realised how much more we can all gain if I focus on deepening the wonderful roots I already have here.

I can be perfectly happy right where I am. Despite outward appearances, the grass is already perfectly green enough here in Madrid.

“…if you think that the conditions aren’t right where you find yourself, and you think that if only you were in a cave in the Himalayas, or at an Asian monastery, or on a beach in the tropics, or at a retreat in some natural setting, things would be better, your meditation stronger… think again. When you got to your cave or your beach or your retreat, there you would be, with the same mind, the same body, the very same breath that you already have here. After fifteen minutes of so in the cave, you might get lonely, or want more light, or the roof might drip water on you. If you were on the beach, it might be raining or cold. If you were on retreat, you might not like the teachers, or the food, or your room. There is always something to dislike. So why not let go and admit that you might as well be at home wherever you are? Right in that moment, you touch the core of your being and invite mindfulness in to enter and heal.” Wherever You Go, There You Are – Jon Kabat-Zinn

 

 

There is a part of me that finds life decidedly difficult at times.

Last weekend I went to an animal sanctuary out in the countryside with my family. It was very hot, Madrid in an unseasonably hot June type of hot.

I didn’t have a sun hat, and didn’t want to put suncream on as the water in our building was shut off for emergency repairs, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to wash it off that night.

“How annoying!” I thought. And for the first 20 minutes I was wondering how tricky it was all going to be, trying to enjoy a relaxed morning at the animal sanctuary, whilst rushing through the sunny bits to stop and hide under the patches of shade.

Just as this sun/shade/heat dilemma was beginning to become the sole focus of the day, I stopped, smiled to myself, and thought:

“Hello Mr Awkward! How are you my old friend?”

Because I realised that the awkward part of me that finds life decidedly difficult at times, had popped up again, and was planning on taking over the day.

Noticing this familiar old reaction and saying “Hello!” like this has an extraordinary effect. I get to smile at that side of me, greet him as the old friend he is, and almost immediately I’m left in peace to get on with enjoying wherever I am again.

Sometimes this side of me appears in restaurants if I don’t get to sit where I’d hoped to. Sometimes I find myself worrying too much about the comfort of others – like when helping organise mindfulness workshops recently, and being completely overly-concerned for the first half hour of one talk that no-one at the back could hear the speakers properly. Even though I was further back than anyone else and could hear fine!

On occasions like this, as soon as I see my ‘this is all a bit difficult‘ reaction crop up again, I smile, say “Hello Mr Awkward! How are you my old friend?” and he evaporates into the mist!

I get to let go of any worries and difficulties, realise they were all in my mind, and really enjoy the present moment again.

As for the day at the animal sanctuary, as soon as I’d seen what was going on, and said “Hello!” to that part of me I know so well, I totally relaxed.

I tried not to spend too long in the scorching sun, and moved when it was convenient between frequent patches of shade beneath the trees, but in a calm, unconcerned way. And I really enjoyed these moments of peace alone in the shade, aware of the people, animals and nature around me, while I waited for the rest of the family to catch up again.

 

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